When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
