I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I currently don't understand fingers.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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