fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
