Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
