I am midnight drunk by noon
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
