hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
