afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
