The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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