no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
