just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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