he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
