I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
