either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
