My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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