Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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