Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
