Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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