You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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