I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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