I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
