I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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