How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
