my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
