Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
