Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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