Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
