Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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