maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
