im having a threesome with these popsicles
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So apparently I’m into choking now
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
