Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize