Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
