Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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