I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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