Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
