You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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