Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
