Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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