If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
please don't ironically join a cult
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