before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
