Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
