I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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