...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
