His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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