my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
