2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
