Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
