Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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