tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
