i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
