just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
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