Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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